Two Sides of the Same Coin

Philip

A well-timed arrangement by Avery

A couple of weeks ago, my wife penned a quite notably vulnerable post detailing her personal struggle with a host of things (for those who have not read it, it can be accessed here). In the post, she poignantly presented many of the issues that she continues to struggle with on her own personal journey through this thing called life. Following the post, several of her readers reached out with encouragement and support. Others reached out with thanks and appreciation for the honesty and candor, as they found that they could relate with Ash on several points. Personally, I was surprised at her willingness to share and her boldness to speak honestly. Given the content of her post and the follow-up, I wanted to pen some thoughts on the matter.

First, the truth is that marriage is hard. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. We are raised in a hyper-individualistic society that proclaims self above all else. Today, we are inundated with messages of self-care and the importance of prioritizing your identity and personal being. I’ve come across so many expert advice columns suggesting the key to a happy marriage is the maintenance of one’s own identity. Recently, I ran across a post that suggested separate bank accounts were essential to a happy marriage, as you should never fully lose yourself into such an archaic institution. Such hyper-individualism only complicates the institution of marriage, as real marriage requires a certain leap of faith into the unknown that neither partner can fully understand or anticipate. It requires a leap of trust, a leap we must take without ever fully being able to validate such trust until you’ve spent decades side by side, hand in hand, at each other’s side.

To date, Ash and I have weathered all sorts of struggles. We’ve walked through the birthing and raising of four children. We’ve walked through a cancer diagnosis, nearly a year of chemotherapy and the aftermath of it all. We’ve walked through the loss of two parents, one whom we nursed until her passing, over the course of three tough years. We’ve walked through job changes, graduate school, and all the things that come with life.

However, what I did not fully understand or appreciate about the leap into marriage is all the stuff you would have to walk through for which you were not present. When we enter marriage, we often assume that we begin anew, with a fresh start. We spend millions of dollars each year celebrating the new beginning of each happy couple that is embarking upon their life together. The problem is that is simply not true. We don’t get a reset when we enter marriage. No memory wipe takes place. As such every fear, insecurity, hope, dream, aspiration, or terror that we possessed prior to marriage is still there inside us, and we expect our spouses to understand this, exercise patience and understanding, and help us work through them.  

Not too many years ago, I had the honor of officiating my baby sister’s wedding and I surprised those in attendance by relating marriage to a train wreck instead of a happy new beginning. I stand by this analogy.

When you first get married, you don’t start new. You’re taking one existence traveling at full speed and you’re crashing it into another’s. It will be calamitous. This is why many marriages don’t last through the first three years. To be successful, you must learn, and learn quickly.

Historically, marriages were encouraged through the oppression of women (which is still the case in many undeveloped countries). In simple terms, women were often subjected to economic realities that required a marriage to thrive. This reality empowered the man and often subjugated the woman to an inferior role in the marriage, often confined to the rearing of children and management of the house. However, over the last century or so, we have leveled the economic playing field and have blown the doors wide open regarding the traditional understanding of marriage. Today, for a marriage to succeed, both partners must find a middle ground, a compromise, a mutual trust in each other. Suffice it to say, we are struggling to evolve. Far too many marriages end in divorce or the subjugation of one partner or the other. And, yes, I’ll say it, many men have become the respective inferior partners today, as they have denied their own advocacy in their marriage in exchange for a supposed, “happy wife.” As the colloquium goes, “Happy wife, happy life.”

So, what does all this have to do with a random couple that has recently moved to rural Alaska with their four children to teach? In short, a lot.

My wife is an amazing human being with a heart that most do not appreciate or understand. However, her compassion has often been taken advantage of, and she has found herself the subject of much abuse before she had even turned 18. She was raised by a single mother that had given up on marriage and the value of companionship. She was constantly reminded of how selfish all men were and how you could never really trust them. A message confirmed by many of her early suitors. Such a combination of love and distrust creates an internal conflict that often exhausts anyone who even partially grapples with it.

Meanwhile, I was raised with a somewhat healthy view of marriage. I watched my parents stand by each other through all kinds of struggle and hardship. In many ways, each of my parents found themselves in each other. Each felt alienated from their own respective families and drew into each other as a source of comfort and familiarity. In so many ways, my parents emulated the foundation of what marriage could be.

So, when Ash and I first got married, I was in. I was committed. I was ready for the plunge. She, on the other hand, began to prepare for my departure. My exit. For the day I would realize who she really was and run as fast as I could in any direction away from her. However, that fear has not manifested. We have chosen to stay. We continue to choose to stay. We choose to trust and hope in what we could become. We remain committed to each other and to our life together.

When my wife posts that she feels like a horrible wife, many are taken off-guard and must wonder just what exactly is going on. The answer: Freedom Writers; the most god-awful story within the profession of teaching. A story that encourages young teachers to abandon everything in their life to save their abused, neglected, unloved students. A story which promises young teachers that if they are willing to give everything to their classroom, they can save their students from a life of poverty, neglect, and assured failure. In the story she abandons her husband, her friends, essentially her life in commitment to these supposed “freedom writers” to help them find themselves and live without apology. The problem…it all is a lie.

However, the appeal is simple. We take many women with fears and insecurities regarding the opposite sex. Convince them they should be free and independent and not beholden to any spouse and then promise them with grandeur if they will give everything to their students. Instead of giving into an equal partnership based on trust and respect, too many women are lured into the profession under auspices of themes pulled from the white savior complex, championed by so many men throughout history. It’s ironic that so many predominately white women have entered the educational system to rail against historic oppression of white men only to view themselves as saviors to their lesser student body.

It's subtle. It’s powerful. It’s elusive. It’s very much still present and part of our system. Too many teachers believe they can save their students and the reality is that we cannot. We have not the power, the insight, nor the ability to save our students. All we can do is teach them while they are in our care; to help mature them and bring them to a position where they accept the belief that they can secure for themselves a certain happiness in this life. A certain success. A certain divinity.

The modern educational system suggests that kind of success comes with the securing of a GED, a college degree or certificate, and a good job. It is this understanding of education that is the core failure of the modern system. The reality is this. Independence does not produce happiness. Wealth does not produce happiness. A successful career does not produce happiness. You know what does?

RELATIONSHIPS.

In fact, the longest running study on happiness, curated by Harvard, overwhelmingly supports the maxim that building great relationships is the most obvious single factor in securing some sort of happiness in this life. The study argues that quality relationships may actually extend our lives. The study also argues that building quality relationships takes time, energy, and a commitment.

However, when you’re married to a teacher, you run the risk of being pushed to second or third on the priority list as their classroom, lesson plans, and students often take center stage of their every thought. This has been the tendency in mine and Ashley’s relationship over our time together. In full disclosure, during the time Ash has spent teaching, our relationship has struggled through feelings of prioritization and neglect. During her first couple of years in the classroom, it was not uncommon for her to be at work till 8:00 or 9:00 each evening preparing for the next day. It was also not uncommon for her to want to spend money we did not have to buy a pair of shoes or a jacket for one of her students in need. Given the nobility in this, how do you fight this and ask for more attention? Delicately, very delicately. In truth, many spouses do not fight it at all. This is why so many husbands today abandon the argument in exchange for something to occupy their time. I do not find it a coincidence that the average gamer is a middle-aged man. In too many ways, we are training young men to abdicate their place in their relationships and simply go along with whatever their wives choose to do. I disagree. And while many would call me selfish for this reason, I would humbly suggest that my disagreement is as much for my wife’s sake as it is my own. Also, it is worth noting, the indication here is germane to the teaching field which, today, is dominated by women. However, men committed to their careers have historically demanded a similar selfless commitment from their wives. Though my focus here is to those in the educational sphere, I would humbly suggest the critique goes both ways for both genders, and for anyone that prioritizes their career over their relationships, over their families.

Simply put, we need people in our lives to help balance us. To challenge us. To mature us. We are often blind to our own obsessions. Especially when those obsessions stem from childhood trauma or past neglect. Though we often argue we must be free to find ourselves and secure our independence, I have come to believe that we are more lost in ourselves than found, overwhelmed by our own bias and the ghosts of our pasts. In a sense, we need someone else to help us find ourselves, to help us become who we really want to be. But that requires a lot of trust in another person and no small amount of faith and hope.

So, what does all this mean? It means that Ash and I are going to be fine. It means our commitment to each other is stronger than our commitment to our respective classrooms. It means we understand that we must prioritize each other and our relationship, as we will continue to be here for each other years after our students have moved on. It means that though we have been married for almost two decades, we still have much to learn and much to work through together. It means we understand the best gift we can give our students today is the model of a healthy, mature relationship. One that always hopes, always forgives, and always perseveres. One that never fails.

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This week in photos:

Winter walks in the woods by our house have deepened my understanding of the adaptability and resiliance of our planet's flora. Also, we are now up to 10 hours and 18 minutes of daylight, gaining an increase of about 6-7 minutes a day.

Also, one of my students had his birthday party last week. He made sure to mention it no less than 100 times, emphasizing how we just had to be there. The temperature for the day was at about -2 degrees, with a wind chill around -14. We ended up spending close to 2 hours, sledding down the bank towards the frozen river. We had a blast. All of my class, as well as several students from the lower elementary class showed up, and of course, once Philip pushed one sled down, he had to push them all down. By the end of it, we were all frozen (or sweaty!) and exhausted. (Video footage is on our Youtube channel.)

Really cold feet!