Fluctuations

"Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeoning of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul."

-Invictus, by William Ernest Henley

Well, we've logged a little over a full week here in Kaltag, and as such, have learned a lot. And to be completely honest, it has not been easy. I have mentioned previously that there has been a lot to take in, both in adjusting to surviving out here, as well as working out here. Now that we are slowly getting into a routine within our household, Philip and I are working tirelessly to do the same in our respective classrooms.

I can relate it to one of the concepts I've been teaching some of my students this week in math: ratios. For every three good days, I usually experience two really tough ones. And even that statement includes an adjustment for what I consider a tough day. We were told before we came that attendance is a major issue up here, and that any given day, half our class would be absent. That has not been the case. For the most part, all our our students have shown up regularly. It could be that we are still a novelty to them, and they are still curious about who we are. But we have been pleased with that unexpected consistency thus far. That being said, the idyllic imaginings of having such small classes has dissipated. Yes, we only have a handful of students. But that handful takes every ounce of energy we have. We aren't really teaching the grade levels we've been assigned. This makes using prescribed curriculum interesting, especially when some of the online resources don't allow for the differentiation you actually need. And at this point, Philip and I are more counselors than we are teachers. There is very little emotional regulation among the students here. Emotions remain right at the surface, and when they explode, they can be volatile. With such a small amount of staff here, there aren't a lot of options for managing these outbursts outside the classroom. Which means, the whole class gets a lesson or demonstration in self-management. Not a bad thing really, but you have to get creative with time management if and when order is restored.

When I first arrived, my aide was still out of town. When she returned this Monday, my entire dynamic improved. She has known the students at our school all of their lives, and she is the person who knows everything about everyone. She has been instrumental in drawing effort out of some of my most resistant students because she has their trust. I have enjoyed working and learning alongside her, and it really drives home how often school aides are overlooked for what they contribute. This week, we had four good, solid days of learning, where students were completing everything I had planned for them. With Halloween right around the corner, I figured our Friday schedule would allow for some hard-earned free time to enjoy.

But it was clear right away on Friday, during morning circle in the gym, that the day was going to be full of misspent energy. And sure enough, it was filled with refusal to follow routines, refusal to work, an overthrown desk, and a runaway student. Just like that, the whole day accumulated into a train wreck. The amount of frustration you feel in those moments, when it feels like you've achieved nothing, is an easy deception to which you can fall prey. It's in those moments that the comfort of your old life will rear its head and make things feel so much worse. I have always been prone to focusing on the negative and forgetting the positive. Out here, I've come to realize that with things being as intense as they are, that kind of mentality will push you over the edge in no time. I knew I'd have to reframe my expectations; every good teacher does, no matter where they are. But I am having to come to grips with a lot of my own negative tendencies, and being forced to master them quickly. I can't afford to fall into a negative spiral because my students already are. I have to be an anchor, a rock, which they can use to stabilize themselves. I have to redefine what constitutes as progress in order to more realistically keep the balance in my head.

The good news is, despite the chaos that began this past Friday, by the afternoon, it turned around. Mostly because I didn't fight it. I let things unfold naturally. The runaway student was relocated, and he and I will have a followup conversation on Monday. The students who had held their own, and done what was asked of them, enjoyed the reward I had planned, while those who didn't sat with me. And with that time they spent with me, those resistant students came back to me through a conversation about hunting and trapping, in which I let them teach me for almost an hour. After that, they were able to complete some of the work I had assigned for that day. We ended the day, as a class, working on decorating a gingerbread house for Halloween, and just letting conversation flow naturally. I reminded myself in that moment, that after all these kids have been through, I can't get caught up in educational standards and lesson plans. I'm still very much in the learning phase here, and these kids still don't trust me. They call Philip and I, "Teacher" or "Teach," because it's too early to put forth effort to remember our names. After all, they've had teachers bail on them mid-year, without warning. (However, I play my own secret game with them in which I respond quicker to "Mrs. Crosby," than "Teacher." As a result, they usually switch to my name.)

By the end of the day, Philip and I were spent. So much so, that we left all of our instructional materials in our classrooms, and left as soon as possible. We made an executive decision to not think about school for the rest of the evening. We walked home, ate homemade pizza, ice cream, watched the World Series, and then Top Gun: Maverick. A movie that is great at emphasizing how thinking outside the box is usually what's required to fix systemic problems. And also how incredibly challenging it is, mentally, emotionally and physically. What really struck last night though, is that Maverick has to fly the mission to show his students that it can be done. That's what Philip and I have to do. We have to show our students that what's being asked of them can be done. That they have within them what they need to turn their trajectory around. Inadvertently, the educational powers that be, despite their good intentions, have successfully communicated to our students that they are special, different from the rest of the world. As such, they need extra help. The logical follow-through of that is that they can't do it on their own. Handouts, lowering standards, and overemphasizing attendance are not the way to get these kids to be masters of their fates.

So, we will continue to stay the course. One of our vocabulary words this week was "fluctuation." Things will fluctuate. The temperature. The snow line. The amount of light and darkness. In our classrooms, there will be highs, there will be lows, and a whole lot of in between. We'll continue to hold tight to the small but precious gains we make, and keep the negatives in perspective. We will continue to maintain a standard, and do our best to thwart the negative, self-deprecating spirals to which these kids so quickly ascribe. We will continue to learn and grow, and do what we can with what we have.

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Shifting from work, for those of you outside of our family, an update on my father-in-law, since many of you have asked. He is doing well, recovering at home, and taking things one day at a time. We talk to he and my mother-in-law almost daily, and it's good to see their faces and hear their voices to gauge how they are. We laughed at the fact that we talk more with them now that we're here, than we did back home. It's different when you can't take for granted the ease of just popping in to visit. For those of you who send us texts, or message us on facebook, we relish staying in touch with pieces of home. It means a lot to us out here, remembering that we are still tethered to supports, despite being thousands of miles away.

We also toured more of the village this weekend, and visited the local store. The rumors were true: the prices reflect the scarcity and shipping costs of food items. And we learned that Kaltag is low priority among the villages out here, which means when winter hits hard, there will be times that the shelves are bare. Some of our wares today included:

• 2 bags of crinkle fries: $28.00

• 4 lbs. of granulated sugar: $10.00

• 1 package of Chips Ahoy: $6.25

• 1 4-pack of vanilla pudding: $4.15

I wanted to buy a puzzle that I found there, but I didn't for two reasons. One, we have no puzzle table. Eventually, I want a portable one that won't take up too much space. And two, a 500-piece puzzle cost $32. Perhaps another day. Obviously, getting our groceries shipped from the grocery store in Fairbanks, including paying for shipping, is a more viable solution financially. However, it's good to support local business since we know it's tough here for most people. So, we will continue to shop occasionally at the Co-Op, and build familiarity with the community. It was rather amusing to see the excitement from the kids, as they discovered in the frozen section, that the store carries Totino's Party Pizza, Eggos, and Hot Pockets. Josh's main food groups, if it were up to him. The fact that the fridges are your basic household refrigerators also creates the element of surprise, as you open the closed doors, the light slowly illuminating what lies within. That's smart marketing, even if it's unintentional.

Below are a few more shots from around town. The main road that goes by the school will take you past the church, past some residences, the fire station, and on down to the river shore. (We didn't go all the way today.) A bisecting road will take you by the tribal office, the tribal hall, the post office, and on up to the playground and baseball field. A right from that road will take you to the store. The rest is all residential or forest. One of the pictures is of four metal poles. We were told that they mark the snowline, and that by winter's end, they will be completely submerged. That puts things in perspective for our still-southern oriented minds!

Also, Jadyn couldn't wait to get home to tear into those cookies. And Philip's boots are 0 for 3 against random ice patches.